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The “Holy Grail”

I would like to think of myself bravely standing on top of a carved stone lion’s head.  The updraft emanating from below causes my hat to flutter.  I dust off my jacket and extend my leg into the air.  As I lean forward into the limitless abyss I think to myself, “There’s no turning back now…”

Well you know, not all of us have a cheat sheet with step-by-step instructions to the Holy Grail. Sean Connery is not bleeding to death back in the musty temple and you know what?  That leap is scary!  So I ask you, “What’s the dream? The pie in the sky?  The ultimate goal?”  I think the un-asked question that accompanies this is “What’s the hesitation?”  As an artist, you might be able to guess what my Holy Grail is.  Let me give you a snapshot of my leaf of faith…

I am a 34 year old artist.  I also work at an art store.  This year will be my 15 year anniversary.  I have also been professionally painting for a little over 10 years.  Do the math.  I know – I just know – that if I devoted 100% of my time to my craft I would be unstoppable.  Don’t get me wrong – working at the art store has been an amazing journey.  We’re a family at the store.  I’ve gained confidence and work experience.  Where else can I be surrounded by art supplies, work with my best friend, AND have health insurance?  I am also afforded time off to paint, show and teach.  Pretty cozy.

About a year ago I taught a watercolor workshop for the Santa Clara Valley Watercolor Society called “Kickstart Your Creativity”.  This workshop was incredibly introspective and I posed questions to the group to help them recognize and break through creative blocks.  One exercise was called “Dream Big”.  In one or two sentences they described their ideal artistic dream.  I wanted them to be very clear about their goal so I wrote my dream on the white board as an example.

“My dream is to create art full time and in doing so – support myself financially ABOVE AND BEYOND my means and with complete confidence.”

my dreamI gave them a whole evening to mull it over, word it just right, and share with the group the following morning.  This turned out to be one of the most difficult assignments.  Why?  Why is it so hard to simply define a dream? We put so much crap in front of our dreams that we forget why we, as individuals, were put on this planet.  We also become comfortable with where we are in life and the dream remains just that – a dream.  This discussion led into what I call “Comfort Zones”.  Comfort zones are what?  Comfortable!  Why on earth would you want to leave?  The tricky thing about comfort zones is they are also a safety blanket.  My biggest comfort zone?  Working at the art store.

So here I am, standing behind the registers, with an inspirational-sayings magnet rack across from me.  Most of the magnets are pretty sappy.  They would pair well with my “Hang in There” poster of a kitten hanging from a branch.  One magnet stares back at me: “LEAP AND THE NET WILL APPEAR”.  In all capital letters no less.  Yeah, yeah I know.  I get it.  JUST DO IT.  For Pete’s sake I taught a workshop on this!  I stare back at the magnet from behind the registers, silently judging myself.  Oh good, a customer!  I wave to the next person in line, “Hi, I can help you over here.”

I know why I am on planet Earth and what my purpose is.  I wholeheartedly believe in my creative abilities.  But do I?  I can’t help but think that the large percentage of my time in front of a register means that I am not in front of my easel.  I haven’t taken the leap yet.  I have not cannonballed off the lion’s head.  So what do I do?  I bought the magnet and now it’s on my fridge, silently reminding me that I can do it.  It’s a start, but before I take that “LEAP AND THE NET WILL APPEAR” attitude you might just see me leaning over the lion’s head and shouting into the abyss “Does the net have health insurance?!”

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Happy Birthday to “The Fearless Painter”

To be honest,  I don’t follow anyone’s blog.  Ok, that’s not true,   let’s be REALLY honest – when I decided to start my OWN blog I researched “Successful Blogging” and found someone who sounded pretty smart so I figured I’d “follow” him.  Maybe it’s the submissive stigma of “following” in lieu of “leading” and I think, “Well, why should I follow anybody?  I should be leading the pack!  I know what the f*** I’m talking about!  Why should I ‘follow’ anyone else?”  Well, geez, maybe I should get my ego in check…hence I began ‘following’ someone who sounded somewhat interesting and maybe I could learn something.   I can only imagine that I’m not the only visual artist who was pulled kicking and screaming into social media.  I’d rather spend my days creating art rather than taking selfies in front of what I ate for breakfast.  I mean really, who needs to know that I like to mix my Special K Protein flakes with my Special K red berries cereal? I’m still unsure of what “Twittering” is (or is it “twerking”?).  I like birds so maybe it’s up my alley.   In the blog I began following it was suggested that I limit my writing time to no more than 2 hours so I figured I’d test the waters and begin by typing for just 1.  Over the past few months I’ve been fleshing out my blog in my mind, because lord knows I’ve got to be prepared before baring my soul in front of the world wide web.  What should I title my blog?  What should be my focus?  How often should I post and how long should my posts be?  How on earth can I be committed to such an undertaking?  There’s a responsibility to blogging and good grief are my standards high.

To give you a little background:  I work at an art store pretty much full time.  On my days off I teach art workshops and classes.  When I’m not teaching an art class I’m preparing for the class by testing out techniques and making what I like to call “sample boards”.  When I’m not doing any of the above I get to truly explore what I love, live and breathe:  art.  A few weeks ago I taught a workshop at the Santa Clara Valley Watercolor Society and the undercurrent of the workshop was fear in the face of creating art or vice versa:  creating art in the face of fear. Potato potAto.   It was intense and amazing and I was honored to lead the students through uncertain waters.  I mentioned to the group that I was going to begin a blog.  The only thing stopping me from beginning this venture was the lack of a name.  For some reason I thought it important for my blog to have a proper name.  I couldn’t possibly start this project without a name.  Plus, it has to be the right name, the “correct” name, a name bestowed upon it from the heavens above.  Without this PERFECT name the blog cannot be in existence.  That was when I caught the tiger by the toe.  There it is again, my buddy that puts up the all-familiar roadblock to something potentially exciting and personal and quite possibly life-changing:  perfection.  So if perfection is the only thing that’s stopping me from writing this blog – screw that and here goes…

This is my art blog that focuses on painting as “survival” vs. art as “inspiration”.  We can simplify this further: painting vs. art.  Painting in the face of fear, perfection, selling, john-Q-public and ego is a different game than art for creation’s sake.  Learning from your pieces, painting for the hell of it and loving the process more than the outcome is by far more rewarding and what I consider ART.  I decided to draw up a little contract (mostly for myself) to put my intentions out into the world:  In my future writings I will:

  • cover my personal art processes, inspirations, and road-blocks through the painting media that “suits my fancy”.
  • Post on average once a week.
  • Type for no more than 2 hours.
  • Post pictures and videos.
  • Give myself permission to misspell words.
  • Veer off topic from time to time.
  • Not beat myself up.

That being said, Happy birthday to “The Fearless Painter”!